The Void

It’s a curious thing to feel out of purpose, to be at the end of your wits, to suddenly look at what u think is/was your life’s work… and feel… disinterest? No perhaps skepticism, maybe a kind of weariness…. I don’t know how exactly to describe it. Being stranded alone in personal life, also is not a small factor adding to it. But I’ve taken that for a given now. I’ve been working or at least trying to work for couple of weeks now, working through nights, trying to meet deadlines, trying to put up a presentation and make it look like I have done work and actually make it look that it makes sense ! Actually work is all I have now , and movies on the 42” wide screen TV which we roommates bought…. few hour of escape from reality. Hmm I don’t know about that, because all what I’m doing is probably far removed from reality, the architecture I create, the assumptions I make while making those design decisions. Decisions. I hate decisions, to say this is good and that’s bad, to say use this material and not that, that color and not this , that this particular form doesn’t work and some other works. I hate these decisions. I think sometimes it’s not fair, I don’t want to explain my work anymore than I intend to. What’s the use anyway ? They say contemporary architecture is an intellectual practice at least a major stream/chunk of it is. It is got to do more with ideas and theory rather than anything else. Yet architecture is not read that way. Let’s leave the real world alone. Let’s take the studio. Architecture is read God knows how, by the number of 3ds max rendered images you have, the quality of the drop shadow u have used on the plan. Ok, maybe not that bad, but what I’m saying is it is too visual. It is too on the surface. And it is not to be confused with giving a preference to a culture of visual thinking or anything. Even on the level of visual judgment there is no complexity, there is no vibrancy, there is no…..life, there is no mad experiment, there is no random merciful lapse of reason.

Even my work is all the same. I’ve been trying to be more adventurous, to not to go around in circles about making decision whether the stairs should be to the left or right or the wall should be brick or concrete, to lose myself in a delirium of form, random free flowing interplay of surfaces all those murky edges and a 100 chaotic messed up thoughts and imperfections, and that make me up. And in doing that try to balance a personal expression with the nature of a building type. Not very successful I should say, I get caught up in the same old web. Infact I’m growing increasingly tired of my own work. To put it in no milder terms, I am increasingly finding it disgusting and boring and more importantly without meaning. When a creator feels that , theres something gravely wrong and ideally he should stop. But you see I cant, I’m in the middle of a degree, I’ve got to churn out more stuff….but on the brighter side, hey it doesn’t matter anyway, so don’t worry.

One needs a goal to work to, a dream to live for, a cause to go on for, a passion to pull through when the going gets tough and I think I just might have lost all of that.